Jersey Shore Recap: Loyalty and Betrayal
It’s back to the beach with the peeps of Jersey Shore. Last night, Vinny settles back into shore life, Snooki loses bladder control, and Mike is eerily nice.
Vinny has come back to the Mothership, which is awesome because it means no new roommates for the gang. Everyone heads out, but Rawn for one is leery that Mike is being nice. Like really nice. Scary nice. It is very strange. JWoww is upset that Roger has been MIA, while the Situation reveals that he wants to get a tattoo that says “Loyalty and Betrayal” since he knows so much about those two things. Ronnie thinks “Betrayal and Betrayal” would be more appropriate given Mike’s pension for stirring up dramz among the roommates while being anything but “loyal.”
No matter, let’s just go to Karma! Pauly D is thrilled to have his wing man Vinny back at the Shore. Snooki is thrilled to have all of her guido family back together. So thrilled, in fact, that she totally soils herself on the dance floor. I know when I have to pee…do you, dear readers? Luckily Snooki takes a Shore shower, which means she maybe washed her hands when she went to the bathroom. Who are these people?
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The gang heads back to the house where Deena just wants a Hot Pocket. Don’t deter her, people! Vinny and his pseudo-mohawk are very excited to back at the shore. The next morning, Snooks wakes up, complete with Payless platforms intact. She wants to get rid of the evidence of tinkling on herself before everyone else awakes. Wait, she didn’t do that the night before, shower, and put on clean drawers? I am every bit disgusted as Snooks as she covertly places her soiled undies in the trash. Party foul times ten!
Deena is having issues. Her real extensions and her add-in white blonde extensions have gotten tangled. Even worse, while trying to untangle all her fake hair, Dirty D gets electrocuted! Sammi gives her a clean bill of health so all is well with the world. Snooki is ready to day drink. Mike is being shady, and Jenni still can’t get in touch with Roger. To be on the safe side, Snooki puts on a pair of Depends two pairs of underwear to make sure she has a fun day. Ronnie is the only voice of reason. He’s beyond concerned about how chill Mike is being. Is he going to blow up the shore house?
Day drinking! Sunday Funday! Deena rhyming things I don’t understand! Mike is excited to be out, as he’s a native. He’s going to find friends wherever. Pauly and Vinny are skeptical. Snooki’s bladder is bothering her beyond measure. She may have a UTI…urinary tract infection, not ultimate tanning institute. Thanks for clarifying. She’s not pregnant though. The gang decides to hit up the batting cage, much to Mike’s dismay. Remind me that if my life ever depends on a softball game to pick Deena over Snooki.
On the way out that night afternoon, Snooki and Deena end up in a cab with the Situation. He feels alone. The dudes are against him. The girls try to appease him while thinking he’s being overly dramatic. On the roof of the shore house, Mike engulfs Snooki in a bear hug. Sadly enough, his pants are so low that he needs MTV blurring. He admits that he’s been trying hard with the house mates and his feelings are hurt. When the remaining roommates show up, all they can focus on is the fact that Mike is accidentally showing the party in his pants to people who don’t want to attend. Poor JWoww can’t look at him as his shorts are now mid-thigh. A drunk Mike doesn’t understand why his roommates are being so shady. He doesn’t feel accepted. Snooki tells him that his 180 degree mood swing into kindness doesn’t seem sincere to the group. Mike is mad…he’ll show them insincerity. Geez. How old are you? Oh yeah, my age. AKA old.
Mike can’t let it go, so he goes down to unleash on Pauly, Vinny, and Rawn. It’s not even nighttime in the land of Jersey Shore. It’s still daylight! Snooki is mad that the boys gloss over the situation with the Situation. In an effort to “bring fun” to the house, Deena and Snooki revive the horrifying, terrifying, not okay in my book bunny costume. The group decides to play a memory game. I hear soot, bad memory, warm beer, and Snooki. It’s bound to go downhill from here, but I apologize for not being able to give you the actual rules. Snooki is apparently losing which means she is covered in soot, but yet she has no clue that her whole face is tainted. She learns quickly when she heads to the restroom. And can I say, thank goodness she went to the restroom instead of wetting herself?
Pigeons have taken over the shore porch. That’s what happens when late night snacks meet early morning birds. Jenni chides a friend into coming to fix her and Snooki’s hair. Meanwhile Deena is using her Shore Store creative prowess to insure that her new booty shorts (yikes!) are seen under her short dress. No worries there. Snooki’s father arrives and, much like all good father/daughter relationships, she asks her dad to head to the store to buy false eyelashes and cranberry juice for her UTI. That’s pretty much exactly what I asked my dad to bring me the last time he came over for dinner.
Mike is over the moon that he has just seen Roger when Jenni doesn’t know he’s in town. The Situation is laying on the charm with Deena who is lapping it up like a puppy with a new bowl of water. Mike acts like he’s confused by his roommate’s antics. Um. Deena is playing into his “Situation” like it’s her job. Mike just wants justice with the roommates….and for all of them to know that he did, in fact, hook up with Snooks while she was dating Jionni. And, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want?
After a day at the Shore Store, Mike feels the need to tell Jenni that he saw Roger. He hates to start drama, but he doesn’t want to be a liar. He’d rather stir the pot. Pauly D and Rawn are laughing about the fact that Mike must be up to something since he’s being so nice. The guy house mates are over it. Mike does a horrible job of trying to throw Jenni and Roger’s relationship under the bus. Pauly, Vinny, and Ron pretend to agree with Mike that Snooki is lying in her relationship with Jionni about her alleged hook up with Mike. Because they care. #notatall
Next week, Vinny gets blocked by Deena while Jenni and Roger’s relationship implodes.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? ARE YOU HAPPY VINNY IS BACK? IS MIKE BEING CONNIVING OR NICE? IS THIS THE END OF JENNI AND ROGER?
Jersey Shore Recap: Gym Tan Get Vinny Back
Last night’s Jersey Shore episode was aptly titled by the network “Free Vinny.” Not even 30 seconds into the episode and I can’t get Micheal Jackson’s “Free Willy” soundtrack song out of my head, only my mind is singing, “Hold me, like the roommate Vinny, and I will say to thee, you are my friend.” Pathetic, right? Right. I hope it sticks with you as it has with me.
So right off the bat, we all know it’s NEVER a good sign if the Shore Store boss shows up at the house. He knows his hair blends in all too well with the house’s “quaint” wood paneling, so usually he tries to stay as far away as possible from that set. It must be dire. It is… with Vinny at home and Mike MIA, there are shifts that need to be covered. Crude words aren’t ironed on to scanty boy shorts all by themselves, dear readers! Boss man Danny is not happy with their work ethic and he threatens to increase his employee base. That means potential new roommates for the gang. Because this show has all of a sudden turned into the Real World.
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A very swollen Mike returns, devastated that his roommates were so callous about his birthday. Admittedly every year he retreats on his big day to see who will make the extra effort to show him love on his special day. In essence, he does exactly what every 13 year old girl 30+ year old man does when his birth’s anniversary rolls around. Snooki is disgusted… doesn’t he know they are planning a huge surprise party for him and Pauly? Oh wait, no he doesn’t. Because it’s — wait for it — a surprise.
Pauly doesn’t like to be lumped in with his roommates as a slack Shore Store employee. He’s working with the meatballs and is genuinely impressed with their sales skills. I guess that is what happens when you don’t nap at work — t-shirts get purchased. After work, the trio goes to get some airbrushed tattoos. Klassy! Back at the house, Deena calls Vinny to see if he’s going to come to the birthday shindig. He’s not coming and Deena fills him in on the fact he’ll be replaced by Danny if he doesn’t come back pronto. The ladies converse with him, but know he’s where he needs to be right now.
The meatballs want Pauly D to teach them how to “walk hard” but duh, you can’t teach swagger. Thanks for the life lesson, Pauly! The girls are going to find strippers to perform at the party. So basically, the girls want Mike and Pauly D handcuffed to wheelchairs while being lap danced on (is that a verb conjugation? No. No, it’s not.) by said strippers. Offensive much?
Jenni arrives for work, punctual as ever (and awake!) but Mike and Ronnie are running late. Danny dramatically staple guns pieces of copy paper with the words “Help Wanted. See Manager!!!” written in 48 point Times New Roman over a large boy short display. Holy heck, Danny means business. Within 15 seconds, several fame whores hard working retail aficionados wearing the typical job interview attire of string bikinis, fedoras and a smile apply for the gig. JWoww channels her inner Norma Rae and yanks down the sign, stopping any potential hussies co-workers and roommates from raining on her parade. As punishment, Danny makes Jenni write up a new sign in “After I have sex with I guy I rip their heads off” font. It’s much prettier.
The meatballs are tasked with purchasing favors for the party. There is an awkward scene involving giant bunny heads. I refuse to elaborate. Jenni’s boyfriend arrives for the party and Mike waxes poetic about wanting to bring home a girl after clubbing. A dirty tan Sammi loves that he has no clue he’s going to be walking into a birthday bash. Both guys are genuinely surprised when they walk into the clerb to a surprise party. The cakes are priceless… Pauly’s is a nipple, Mike’s is a thong-wearing a$$. Should the girls maybe get their own party planning show on the WE network?
At the Karma bash, Pauly and Mike are securely handcuffed into their wheelchairs. Stripping ensues. Spanking of those who are stripping ensues. After being released, Mike spends his time being licked up the abs by a stripper while Pauly clearly has beer goggles. He takes home his “hot brunette” as Mike stumbles home with his stripper who blatantly makes fun of the socks he gives her to sleep in — someone remind me again why the stripper needs to sleep in socks?
Deena and Rawn are late night drunk dialing Vinny, which leads to them both late night crying in the confessional booth, and then (because why stop a good thing?) late night crying on the deck. After birthday sex, Pauly sends his lady love out into the night. I’m assuming he called her a cab as we all know he’s quite the gentleman. Mike doesn’t play by the shore smush rules and lets the stripper spend the night, but he promptly calls her a taxi by the light of day.
Deena wants to do a couple’s night. Only problem? She’s not part of a couple. She calls up Rawn’s friend and after an awkward exchange, she’s thrilled to have “a date!” If I had a copy of The Rules, I’d prop it up in front of my television and pray for technology osmosis. Too late, the meatballs have seen my ADD and raised it frightening bunny costumes. Jionni comes over with flowers — long-stemmed so he deserves sex immediately, not just a verbal thank you. Long-stemmed flower arrangements cost more, so that makes total sense. Someone please enlighten me as to where I can mail the plethora of fitted sheets I’ve acquired to the shore house so I no longer have to witness overly tan people hooking up on a bare mattress. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
The non-smushing roommates head out, complete with Deena in fairy wings. The group has a drink in honor of Vinny. Within seconds, Pauly is excited to see a chick fight… but oh, wait! It’s Sam. Someone pulled her new weave and she’s ejected from the clerb. Sam was always taught, and I quote, “to self defend myself” and the roommates head home. Sam’s make-up is smeared down her face, but good gosh, she self defended herself and really, at the end of the day, isn’t that all any of us can do?
Deena is smushing with her “date,” but she keeps getting deterred by an overzealous alarm clock. Even unplugged it haunts the couple with its incessant beeping. All she wants is to do is sex people! Is that too much to ask? The following morning, Sitch gets a cab for his sex buddy Paula. He can’t find a thing wrong with her. Can she honestly say the same? He and Snooks have a heart-to-heart about his potential new girlfriend. Dare I say Mike is giddy?
Vin’s absence is affecting the roommates. Solution? Operation kidnap Vinny! Oh man, I’ve waited all episode for this scheme! Goin’ to Staten Island. Oh yeah! Cabs ah heeya! Before embarking on said felony, the roommates must make a quick stop at the Shore Store to make t-shirts emblazoned with Vin-like sayings. GTGVB. Gym, tan, get Vinny back. I’ll buy that shirt. The gang arrives at casa de Vinny, but — shocker! — no one seems to be home. I am assuming someone answered the door, because as the troop traipses through the house there are strange middle-aged women watching from different vantage points. The mob focuses in on Vin’s childhood bedroom. Jackpot! Vinny is super excited and shows off his new and very large and obnoxious “Let Go, Let God” tattoo. It’s one of my go-to phrases, so clearly I’m thinking we’re kindred. Rawn, however, is thinking, um, what does that mean? Vin’s done his soul searching and is ready to be taken back to the beach. All is right with the world.
Next time, Snooks has a pregnancy scare? Maybe? Or maybe she just likes wearing that freakish bunny costume? Mike is on his best behavior which leads his roommates to wonder what he’s up to…as clearly a nice Mike is a manipulative Mike.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? THOUGHTS ON THE SURPRISE PARTY? ARE YOU AS GROSSED OUT BY THE SMUSH ROOM AS I AM? ARE YOU GLAD VINNY’S BACK? DID YOU SECRETLY WANT SOME NEW ROOMMATES?
