Jersey Shore Recap: Rogue Meatballs, Roommate In-Laws, and Relationship Ruins…Roger That!
Last night’s time with the gang from Jersey Shore was just how I like it: light-hearted, drunken tomfoolery without excessive urine, blurring of Britneys, or vomit, and a stage five clinger thrown in for good measure. Speaking of measurement, Mike logged in some quality phone time with the Unit.
Mike is disappointed when he calls the Decibel and finds out he’s in Miami. This means he’s not able to come to the Shore to tell Jionni about Snooki’s situation with the Situation. Mike is thrilled to learn, however, that his brother is hooking up with Deena’s sister. There were so many bleeps in that portion of the conversation I felt like Mike was a smoke detector. Mike is being an evil genius right now…minus the genius part.
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Snooki bids farewell to her dad, urging him to get his drink on, and Jenni confides in her friend that she is upset about the status of her relationship with Roger. Snooki tries to wake a sleeping Situation to see if he’d like to join the group drinking on the boardwalk, but he’s being distant. The gang heads out to a bar that Vinny describes as a sweat box. JWoww is more Womp womp womp than Woww, so she heads home, still depressed over Roger.
Vinny meets a sure-thing, but she’s just a six. If this were mid-week, a six would be fine, but it’s the weekend. He needs to find an eight. He quickly does, but she’s with another guy. Good news! It’s her brother! Vinny gets caught up in a six/eight sandwich. Does that make him a seven? Can they even do math? Deena hijacks the six, being an excellent wing woman as opposed to her normal c-blocker self. A drunk and Ewoked Snooki heads home.
Les-be-honest, it’s bad news back at the clerb for Vinny when he learns his lady love only loves the ladies. No worries, as he’s up for the challenge. Deena goes as far as to bring the six back to the house in the event that Vinny can’t convert the eight. Good news for the six—the lesbian doesn’t want Vinny to be her Christopher Columbus!
The following morning, Jenni calls Roger and finds out that he’s taken off work for the day because his phone was broken. However, he didn’t think to call her and tell her he was free. Snooki is still wasted, and Vinny’s smush with the six was about a nine. In between falling down, Snooki pinpoints that she either needs to poo or spew. Instead she naps on the smush room’s bare mattress. She did attempt to clean it first. Kind of. Jenni and Roger get into another tiff because he is running late for their date. She unleashes all of the pent up frustration she has been having with Roger before hanging up the duck phone.
Pauly and the meatballs head to work at the Shore Store. The meatballs are running around the racks like a Pac Man game before heading out of the store. Boss man is not happy, and he runs after his fleeing employees. Meanwhile, a former customer creepily stalks Pauly D from a boardwalk bench. Danny finds the meatballs taking shots at a bar, with Deena trying to hide behind a booth. Deena wishes he wouldn’t be such “an annoying.” Almost immediately, Snooks meets a bachelorette and the meatballs sneak out of work once again to celebrate with the soon-to-be bride.
Back home, Pauly D talks to JWoww about his new stalker. He’s the only one who has consistently had Shore stalkers. I may be one of them (J/K PD! LOL! Call me!!). Jenni reminds him of the movie Misery and tells him he’s going to have his knee caps smashed. Or ankles. Depends on which version you watched, I guess. Pauly and Vin head out to find the meatballs, and Jenni is quick to join them so she won’t be left at home with Mike. Good call. Are Sammi and Rawn just camped out in the smush room? I know I’ve seen them both for a hot minute (credit where credit is due, Brandi Glanville!) but they are not bringing the usual drama this season. And I’m proud of them for it…
There is a meatball sighting on the boardwalk. Jenni joins the bachelorette party (the poor bride can’t keep up with the meatballs on the dance floor…yikes) while Pauly and Vin continue to cruise the strip. Oddly enough Pauly’s stalker is two steps behind them. Stage five clinger! Back at the house, Mike awakens to find he’s all alone. The nerve of his roommates to go out without him! I mean, when Snooki tried to wake him up to party the night before he was all about it, if “it” was ignoring her and going back to sleep. Mike gives his best Dr. Evil laugh and promises to stop being such a nice guy to these jacklegs.
The girls head back to the house, and Snooki invites the Situation to go out drinking. He’s so confused. Should he go and have fun or continue planning his roommates’ downfalls? The meatballs seem to sincerely want to hang out with him. Such a conundrum. That’s a situation, Situation. #thesaurus Jenni has used up her fun juice and heads to bed. Back at the bar, Pauly and Vin are pool sharking the locals. Pauly is pawning off any and every grenade in the place on his bud. In retaliation, Vinny beckons over Pauly’s stalker. Can I mention that she’s wearing a trucker cap with Pauly’s name airbrushed over the Italian flag? It totally complements her “Cabs Are Heeya” baby-tee. I wish I were kidding/I want that look.
The meatball-Mike trifecta is tearing up Seaside, but Mike is non too pleased when Deena pegs the trio an odd pairing of fun. I make the mistake of pausing it, and Mike’s shifty eyes look sinister. He needs to stop being such a drama queen! He reveals that he’s keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. The meatballs just think he’s back to being fun Mike. Their bad. MTV seems to have stolen Bravo’s mini-scene during the commercial breaks, and last night’s features a conversation between Snooki and the TBH (Terrifying Bunny Head) and a video montage of their fun times. It stops short of the bunny head and Snooks running towards each other in slow-mo through a field of daisies.
Deena has breakfast with Sammi and Rawn who tell her, along with Pauly D, that Danny is beyond angry about the meatball dip. Deena is concerned she’ll be fired and have to leave the house. Meatball D calls her boss to apologize, and he says he needs to think about the meatballs’ fate at the Shore Store. Ronnie is setting up cornhole on the roof, but Snooks finds more entertainment in climbing into the giant box in which the game was packaged. The shocking part is that this doesn’t shock me.
Ah yeah, Chinese food yeah! It’s Sunday dinner time, and Mike questions Deena about their siblings’ second date. Mike is joking about the new couple and Deena doesn’t take too kindly that the table talk is laughing about her sister. She lightens up some when Mike starts referring to her as his future sister-in-law. The Situation loves how easy it is to play Deena. He must call the Millimeter to relay this information. Mike finds out from the Particle that his brother is doing the smash and dash with Deena’s sister. Mike thinks this news is hilarious, as his brother is not normally like him this much of a jerk. Likewise, Deena isn’t feeling a potential future family dinner with her sister as Mrs. Even Older Situation. While she believes that Mike is being nice now, a leopard never sheds it’s stripes. No wait, a tiger never sheds it’s spots…y’all know what she means!
After Mike hangs up with the Gallon, the duck phone quacks again. It’s Joanie, Deena’s sister! Mike’s face looks like Angela Landsbury’s when she’s figured out who done it on Murder She Wrote. Geez Mike, you really don’t have much going for you these days, do you? He stutters through some dialogue with Joanie while giving her some skewed advice about his brother in hopes of gaining more Deena dirt. He’s so charming.
The next morning, Vin and Pauly head to the G(ym) where they run into a very angry Roger. Vinny agrees that Jenni is being stubborn, and Roger vows that he won’t be the first one making an apologetic phone call. Vin relays this message to JWoww. Bad move…maybe? Nope! Who knew? Jenni actually calls Roger to tell him she’s sorry. He goes off on her as soon as he picks up the phone. Roger uses some pretty big words. I am emphatically impressed. And the conversation takes a very negative turn.
Next week, the meatballs make Danny an apology cake, Snooki apparently watches Deena do sex (gag and gag…and one more for good measure: gag), and JWoww is at the center of a Karma brawl between Roger and some drunk juicehead.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? ARE YOU TEAM ROGER OR TEAM JENNI? WHY IN THE WORLD IS MIKE ACTING LIKE THIS? WHAT DO YOU THINK RONNIE AND SAM ARE DOING THE OTHER 42 MINUTES WHEN THEY AREN’T GETTING SCREEN TIME?
Teen Mom Recap: Maturity Maybe?
Oh the trials and tribulations of a Teen Mom. I really don’t know where to start. I felt like I was watching the Twilight Zone last night. Barbara didn’t yell, and dare I say she seemed like a sincere and concerned mother to Jenelle? Jo spoke and acted like a thirty-year-old who has always had his shiz together, and Kieffer got rid of that God awful army green hoodie. Chelsea even raised money and gave her time for a very valuable cause! It was the antithesis of Teen Mom. The only thing that let me know I was blogging on the right show was poor Corey’s camo hat. Camo hat always lets me know…
Jenelle returns home after a blow-up with her roommate, and Barbara allows her to move home knowing that she has a court date the following day for several pending charges. Barbara is calm when questioning her daughter about the recent fight, and she doesn’t even raise an eyebrow when she hears that things got physical. Barbara just hopes that she and Jenelle can find a way to get along.
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Kailyn and Jo haven’t spoken since his child support appeal. The pair has a hearing scheduled for the upcoming week, but after getting a voicemail from her attorney, Kailyn learns it has been postponed. It seems that Jo will continue paying the full amount until they are able to get before a judge. Kailyn drops Isaac off at Jo’s and he’s mature enough to hand off Isaac to his father before having a discussion with his ex-girlfriend. Surprisingly, Jo doesn’t want to talk about the hearing. Instead he wants to meet Jordan since his son spends so much time with him. Kailyn seems annoyed and questions his motives, but regardless, Jo has every right to want to meet the man she brings around Isaac. Is he acting or is that a hint of maturity I see?
Chelsea is trying to drown her Adam sorrows by throwing herself into her new job at the tanning bed. She has even bought a new car “with her dad’s help.” Really? Chelsea wants to do a March of Dimes walk to benefit premature babies. It’s less than ten minutes into the episode…surely maturity isn’t going to be the night’s theme? I mean, I’d love that, but I’m no idiot.
Leah and Corey continue to fight about a possible move. She has her parents looking for a new trailer to inhabit. She shares her feelings with a friend, and both girls conclude that Corey isn’t putting the girls first. They agree that both parties are not the best at communicating with one another.
Chelsea and a friend go to sign-up for the March of Dimes event so she is able to fundraise for the cause. Am I on the right channel?
The upside of moving home for Jenelle is that she gets to spend more time with Jace. She has a meeting with her lawyer Dustin Sullivan and admits that she’s struggling to stay clean. He goes over the charges and wants Kieffer to take the fall. He offers the option of her taking supervised probation if the state decides to proceed to trial. She is facing jail time, and she needs to be aware of what could potentially happen.
Kailyn is surprised that Jo’s attorney is the one who postponed the hearing. However she has little time to think about that as she’s worried about why her ex-boyfriend wants to meet her current beau. It seems her main concern is that Jo wasn’t angry when he asked for the meeting, but she understands why he deserves to know the new guy in her and Isaac’s life. After chatting with a friend, she learns (ahh, twitter!) that Jo has a new girlfriend. Kailyn is caught off guard that Jo has someone new in his life. She can only hope that the aspiring rapper won’t be bringing every groupie he meets around their son. Hypocritical much?
It’s time to raise money for the March of Dimes walk, and neither of Chelsea’s parents will be in town to watch Aubree on the morning of the walk. Since she hasn’t spoken with Adam–and he hasn’t requested to see his daughter–Chelsea is hoping it will be easy to take her daughter with her. She hits up her tanning bed family to join her team as well as donate to the cause. She calls her boss who pledges a hundred dollars. It’s a solid start. He meets her at Year Round Brown (I so want to work there, just because of the name) to write her a check.
Leah wants to work things out with Corey, but she’s worried he may have already purchased a new truck. Leah’s friend watches the twins while she, Corey, camo hat, and subtitles head outside to continue their fight discussion. Leah is going off on him, and he has little to do but spit out dip in between her rants. She says she thinks he’s making excuses to belittle her efforts. Shocking! He feels the exact same way! The conversation clearly doesn’t go as planned, as both newlywed teens end up in tears. Is it wrong that, knowing what I know now, I really want to buy Corey a new hat Leah to try harder to see what a good dad Corey is?
A sick Kailyn is being cared for by Jordan. She dreads telling him about Jo’s request. Why does he insist on wearing his hood on when he’s inside? Is there a leak in her apartment? Does she live in a wind tunnel? She relays Jo’s wishes to Jordan, and she figures she can kill two birds with one stone. As Jo has never been to her new apartment she wants to invite him over for a sort of housewarming/meet-and-greet. Kailyn advises Jordan that Jo will likely try to goad him, and Jordan needs to maintain his cool at all times. He’s always cool…it’s clearly why he needs to be wearing that hood.
Jenelle is unsure about her hearing, Reefer’s hearing, and the duo’s relationship. She is, however, happy to carpool with him to the court since he doesn’t have a ride. Jenelle’s friend arrives to provide her with some moral support. Supportive friend is excommunicated to the back seat of the car to make room for a clean shaven and hoodie-less Sir Kieffer. Immediately he threatens to throw hot coffee in the judge’s face if he’s put back in jail. Off to a good start, I’d say. Kiefnelle compare lawyer commentary before heading into the courthouse. The couple that pleads together stays together!
Chelsea is hoping to get some last minute donations so she can meet her March of Dimes goal. I have to say that Chelsea-sans-Adam is much more tolerable. Her teammates come over to make group t-shirts for the walk. All of her friends except one arrive with toddlers in tow. The group applauds this girl for using birth control. Awkward. After checking her donations web page, Chelsea finds she’s exceeded her goal. Way to go!
The Leah/Corey dynamic continues to deteriorate. Leah tells a friend that she’s almost done trying, as she isn’t sure if Corey loves her. Her intentions for a better life for her daughters seem so genuine. However, I think the same of Corey. She goes to her mom’s to get some new clothing for the girls. Her mother has found a new place for Leah and the girls to live, but she has to have a concrete answer by the end of the week. Leah doesn’t have one…and she’s hoping she can convince Corey to come with them.
Jo is returning Isaac to Kailyn’s new place, and Jordan is beyond nervous about the impending meeting. Kailyn rakes him over the coals for not being thrilled at the opportunity. The bros do a half handshake/half hug with Jo commenting on what a big dude Jordan is. Crickets. Tumbleweeds. Crickets riding on tumbleweeds. AWK-ward. Dr. Phil Jo finally breaks the silence with words of actual wisdom. He just wants a positive collaborative effort when it comes to all things Isaac. He even cracks some jokes–about crack! What a wordsmith. Kailyn can’t let this situation continue without some sort of discord, so she brings up Jo’s dating life. Even more AWK-ward. Kailyn is accusatory, Jo giggles at her jealousy while maintaining his cool demeanor, and poor Jordan feels like the third-wheel on Jo and Kailyn’s date. Let me reiterate…the episode is now almost over and Jo and Chelsea have impressed me with their maturity for almost an entire hour (minus commercial breaks). Am I in an alternate universe?
Who saw this coming? Kieffer gets his immediate charges dropped, but Jenelle gets supervised probation for one charge, while the others are dropped. While Jenelle should be thrilled to hear that none of what happened in court will affect her ability to receive financial aid for school, all she hears from her lawyer is “probation officer, mandatory drug testing, abstention from alcohol, and no fraternizing with anyone with charges or pending charges.” So, basically that means she can’t hang out with Kieffer or any of her friends. I’m glad she is considering the important things. In the car, she starts crying about how she can’t smoke pot or drink for a whole year while Kieffer gets off scott free. The injustice! Kieffer, always the romantic, pledges to give up weed as long as his lady love can’t partake. She is a mess about the fact she can’t smoke. Could she love reefer more than she loves Reefer?
It’s the morning of the March of Dimes walk, and Chelsea is proud for exceeding her goal (as she should be). She meets her team at the mall where the walk is held and the girls enjoy the festivities surrounding the event. It’s nice to see Chelsea enjoying herself. Heck, it’s a thrill to see her not whining! Her friends concur, and they also try to show her that Adam puts her down only to make himself feel better about how inadequate he is. Hang out with your friends more, chickadee!
Leah is scared to tell Corey that her parents have found the family a new trailer. After a pretty heart wrenching fight, Corey tells her to get the new place. He seems very defeated. Leah calls her mom who hopes she isn’t intruding in the couple’s marriage. Corey uses his trusty hat camo hat to hide his tears, and then he tells a distraught Leah that he may not move with her. She’s crestfallen. She wouldn’t have taken the place if she knew he wasn’t coming with her and the twins. Bless it, MTV! Just when I get to the point of not feeling guilty for calling out these girls on their collective stupidity, you give me an episode like this that puts me securely back in my place. Well played.
Next week, Jo and Kailyn are bonding during Jo’s new daily visitation, which makes Jordan understandably leery. Unable to kick her Mary Jane habit, Jenelle considers rehab. Chelsea is moving forward with obtaining her GED, so of course, here comes douchebag Adam. Leah drops a bomb on Corey that she’s cheated…and he retains a lawyer. Nooooo!!!!
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? COULD YOU BELIEVE HOW NORMAL AND LIKEABLE CHELSEA AND JO WERE? THOUGHTS ON WHY LEAH IS SO HELLBENT ON LEAVING…BESIDES THE BOMBSHELL REVELATION THAT WE WON’T SEE UNTIL NEXT WEEK?
Jersey Shore Recap: Gym Tan Get Vinny Back
Last night’s Jersey Shore episode was aptly titled by the network “Free Vinny.” Not even 30 seconds into the episode and I can’t get Micheal Jackson’s “Free Willy” soundtrack song out of my head, only my mind is singing, “Hold me, like the roommate Vinny, and I will say to thee, you are my friend.” Pathetic, right? Right. I hope it sticks with you as it has with me.
So right off the bat, we all know it’s NEVER a good sign if the Shore Store boss shows up at the house. He knows his hair blends in all too well with the house’s “quaint” wood paneling, so usually he tries to stay as far away as possible from that set. It must be dire. It is… with Vinny at home and Mike MIA, there are shifts that need to be covered. Crude words aren’t ironed on to scanty boy shorts all by themselves, dear readers! Boss man Danny is not happy with their work ethic and he threatens to increase his employee base. That means potential new roommates for the gang. Because this show has all of a sudden turned into the Real World.
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A very swollen Mike returns, devastated that his roommates were so callous about his birthday. Admittedly every year he retreats on his big day to see who will make the extra effort to show him love on his special day. In essence, he does exactly what every 13 year old girl 30+ year old man does when his birth’s anniversary rolls around. Snooki is disgusted… doesn’t he know they are planning a huge surprise party for him and Pauly? Oh wait, no he doesn’t. Because it’s — wait for it — a surprise.
Pauly doesn’t like to be lumped in with his roommates as a slack Shore Store employee. He’s working with the meatballs and is genuinely impressed with their sales skills. I guess that is what happens when you don’t nap at work — t-shirts get purchased. After work, the trio goes to get some airbrushed tattoos. Klassy! Back at the house, Deena calls Vinny to see if he’s going to come to the birthday shindig. He’s not coming and Deena fills him in on the fact he’ll be replaced by Danny if he doesn’t come back pronto. The ladies converse with him, but know he’s where he needs to be right now.
The meatballs want Pauly D to teach them how to “walk hard” but duh, you can’t teach swagger. Thanks for the life lesson, Pauly! The girls are going to find strippers to perform at the party. So basically, the girls want Mike and Pauly D handcuffed to wheelchairs while being lap danced on (is that a verb conjugation? No. No, it’s not.) by said strippers. Offensive much?
Jenni arrives for work, punctual as ever (and awake!) but Mike and Ronnie are running late. Danny dramatically staple guns pieces of copy paper with the words “Help Wanted. See Manager!!!” written in 48 point Times New Roman over a large boy short display. Holy heck, Danny means business. Within 15 seconds, several fame whores hard working retail aficionados wearing the typical job interview attire of string bikinis, fedoras and a smile apply for the gig. JWoww channels her inner Norma Rae and yanks down the sign, stopping any potential hussies co-workers and roommates from raining on her parade. As punishment, Danny makes Jenni write up a new sign in “After I have sex with I guy I rip their heads off” font. It’s much prettier.
The meatballs are tasked with purchasing favors for the party. There is an awkward scene involving giant bunny heads. I refuse to elaborate. Jenni’s boyfriend arrives for the party and Mike waxes poetic about wanting to bring home a girl after clubbing. A dirty tan Sammi loves that he has no clue he’s going to be walking into a birthday bash. Both guys are genuinely surprised when they walk into the clerb to a surprise party. The cakes are priceless… Pauly’s is a nipple, Mike’s is a thong-wearing a$$. Should the girls maybe get their own party planning show on the WE network?
At the Karma bash, Pauly and Mike are securely handcuffed into their wheelchairs. Stripping ensues. Spanking of those who are stripping ensues. After being released, Mike spends his time being licked up the abs by a stripper while Pauly clearly has beer goggles. He takes home his “hot brunette” as Mike stumbles home with his stripper who blatantly makes fun of the socks he gives her to sleep in — someone remind me again why the stripper needs to sleep in socks?
Deena and Rawn are late night drunk dialing Vinny, which leads to them both late night crying in the confessional booth, and then (because why stop a good thing?) late night crying on the deck. After birthday sex, Pauly sends his lady love out into the night. I’m assuming he called her a cab as we all know he’s quite the gentleman. Mike doesn’t play by the shore smush rules and lets the stripper spend the night, but he promptly calls her a taxi by the light of day.
Deena wants to do a couple’s night. Only problem? She’s not part of a couple. She calls up Rawn’s friend and after an awkward exchange, she’s thrilled to have “a date!” If I had a copy of The Rules, I’d prop it up in front of my television and pray for technology osmosis. Too late, the meatballs have seen my ADD and raised it frightening bunny costumes. Jionni comes over with flowers — long-stemmed so he deserves sex immediately, not just a verbal thank you. Long-stemmed flower arrangements cost more, so that makes total sense. Someone please enlighten me as to where I can mail the plethora of fitted sheets I’ve acquired to the shore house so I no longer have to witness overly tan people hooking up on a bare mattress. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
The non-smushing roommates head out, complete with Deena in fairy wings. The group has a drink in honor of Vinny. Within seconds, Pauly is excited to see a chick fight… but oh, wait! It’s Sam. Someone pulled her new weave and she’s ejected from the clerb. Sam was always taught, and I quote, “to self defend myself” and the roommates head home. Sam’s make-up is smeared down her face, but good gosh, she self defended herself and really, at the end of the day, isn’t that all any of us can do?
Deena is smushing with her “date,” but she keeps getting deterred by an overzealous alarm clock. Even unplugged it haunts the couple with its incessant beeping. All she wants is to do is sex people! Is that too much to ask? The following morning, Sitch gets a cab for his sex buddy Paula. He can’t find a thing wrong with her. Can she honestly say the same? He and Snooks have a heart-to-heart about his potential new girlfriend. Dare I say Mike is giddy?
Vin’s absence is affecting the roommates. Solution? Operation kidnap Vinny! Oh man, I’ve waited all episode for this scheme! Goin’ to Staten Island. Oh yeah! Cabs ah heeya! Before embarking on said felony, the roommates must make a quick stop at the Shore Store to make t-shirts emblazoned with Vin-like sayings. GTGVB. Gym, tan, get Vinny back. I’ll buy that shirt. The gang arrives at casa de Vinny, but — shocker! — no one seems to be home. I am assuming someone answered the door, because as the troop traipses through the house there are strange middle-aged women watching from different vantage points. The mob focuses in on Vin’s childhood bedroom. Jackpot! Vinny is super excited and shows off his new and very large and obnoxious “Let Go, Let God” tattoo. It’s one of my go-to phrases, so clearly I’m thinking we’re kindred. Rawn, however, is thinking, um, what does that mean? Vin’s done his soul searching and is ready to be taken back to the beach. All is right with the world.
Next time, Snooks has a pregnancy scare? Maybe? Or maybe she just likes wearing that freakish bunny costume? Mike is on his best behavior which leads his roommates to wonder what he’s up to…as clearly a nice Mike is a manipulative Mike.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? THOUGHTS ON THE SURPRISE PARTY? ARE YOU AS GROSSED OUT BY THE SMUSH ROOM AS I AM? ARE YOU GLAD VINNY’S BACK? DID YOU SECRETLY WANT SOME NEW ROOMMATES?
Ashley Greene Is Diabolical
Ashley Greene has a new serious boyfriend again, so she’s kicking her roommate out so the dude can move in. Oh, her roommate is her brother. inTouch reports:
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Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester Aren’t Making This Any Easier
Here’s the often confused Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly at the premiere of The Roommate, and now that I see them together, I genuinely feel bad for thinking they look the same. It’s like equating one attractive woman to another attractive woman who happens to have a forehead the size of a windshield. That’s how Read More …
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